Goodrtimes

No doubt you have read our other Origin Story, Short With Benefits. If you haven’t, first of all, HOW DARE YOU?! We guess we’ll wait here and tap our feet impatiently while you go read it. Hurry up now, we don’t have all day!!! Secondly, once you have gotten your sh*t together, don’t forget to come back and finish this second list of reasons why being smaller is baller: Reason 1: You can buy designer clothes in the children’s section for ⅓ the price, which means you get to be a style baller on a smaller budget. You legit get...

1. We advise you to start by washing your hair. Let us introduce you to a product called conditioner. Say it with us, “C-O-N-D-I-T-I-O-N-E-R.” Yes, those 6-in-one, conditioner, shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, face wash, and who knows what else, combos seem convenient and cost effective, but HELLO MEN (and any ladies who have fallen victim of this trap…), there is a reason they make these things separate. 2. Try brushing your hair. Might we suggest one of those nifty Wet Brushes? You can tell when a bun is not freshly baked when it gets shark fins. Shark fins are the...

  Dear Elon Musk, We know you’re busy recording terrible EDM songs and getting high with Joe Rogan, but we were wondering if you could take a teensy bit of time out of your schedule to work on a special project for us: An arcade game inspired car. (Or “carcade,” if you will.) Here’s all the ideas we have so far: The car is coin-operated, not gas operated. So every time it dies, an “insert coin to continue” screen appears on the windshield. And there’s one of those red 25¢ slots. The horn has five options: Pac-Man’s Wakka Wakka, Mario’s...

  “‘I like your BLACK sunglasses?!?! Really? BLACK sunglasses? You think I’d be caught dead in BLACK sunglasses? If I died and somebody put black shades on my face, I’d come back to life and shove ‘em up their candy ass! Like I’m so basic I wear black -- I’m not basic. I’m complicated! I’m a human labyrinth! And these sunnies aren’t black. THEY’RE OBSIDIAN! OBSIDIAN!!!!! “Oh, that’s right, you don’t know what obsidian is, ‘cuz you’re a FRICKEN MORON. Well, let me educate you: Obsidian is a naturally occurring volcanic glass formed as an extrusive igneous rock. Black is...

Dear goodr, HOW DARE YOU?! I purchased your “Fade-er-ade'' energy drink, only to find out it wasn’t an energy drink at all. It was an energy BAR, in the shape of sunglasses! Talk about false advertising. But hey, I’m open-minded, so I took a bite. Ouchie-wouchie! That sunglass-shaped energy bar was rock hard! It took hours to chew it into pieces!!!!! Cut up my mouth real bad. Lost four teeth. I DEMAND you mail me four replacement teeth. Sincerely,Mavis Dear Mavis, Thanks for reaching out! We shipped you four replacement teeth. They’re from a dog -- Bosley, our beloved Basset...