A VERY SKYMALL CHRISTMAS
Jayden and Kayla woke up Christmas morning
And ran to their gifts with elation
That faded when they read a jaded note warning:
“Please lower your damn expectations.”
“My elves went on strike, and they make the toys,
I was so mad I punched my wall.
But then I found a magazine and rejoiced --
Here’s some crap from Skymall.”
Jayden hoped that what Santa wrote wasn’t true
And his presents would be super neat
But no, he got a Yeti garden statue
And a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat
As for Kayla, she felt overwhelming despair
The presents made her want to cry
She got a laser helmet for regrowing hair
And a watch saying what time she’ll die
“But wait,” said Jayden. “Let’s go check our stockings!
They might have treats or toy soldiers!”
But the offerings inside the stockings were shocking:
Dog lips and umbrella holders.
“Damnit!” said Kayla. “This year is so fucked!”
And just when she was at her maddest,
Jayden found two gifts hiding by the sofa:
Frequent Skymall Shoppers sunglasses
The note said “To Jayden and Kayla from C.,
A flamingo who loves to drink beer
Here’s sunnies, good buddies! Do one thing for me,
Be extremely naughty next year.”
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