Dear Hiring Manager,

As an impatient gamer who rushes into battles without any real plan, and a stubborn perfectionist who intentionally dies after making the slightest mistake, I am uniquely qualified for the position of Professional Respawner.

During my 20+ years of gaming, I’ve developed exceptional communication skills. While respawning, I tell everyone, “Fuck, I’ve got to respawn,” or “Shit, I died.” I also think outside the box, respawning without telling anyone, “Fuck, I’ve got to respawn,” or “Shit, I died.” And when game developers try to put in hurdles to make it more difficult for players to respawn, I respawn harder and faster than ever before.

This is exactly the kind of role I’m looking for. I respawn well independently, and as part of a team. If you contact my references, you’ll hear several angry rants about how respawning is “the only fucking thing [I know] how to do.” That is true. Respawning is my life. It’s why I’ve been divorced nine times (soon to be ten!). It’s also why I recorded “Respawn Song,” a timely parody of Sisqo’s “Thong Song.” As of this writing, it has 371 views on YouTube.

Thank you for your time and for considering me for the position. My resume is attached. If I do not hear from you in 24 hours, I will kill this application and respawn a new one. And if I do not hear from you after that, the cycle will repeat, again and again, forever.


The Respawn Don
(aka First Respawnder)